IT'S OK NOT TO BE OK

Well, where do we start? 

What an absolutely crazy 6 months! Just as we were gearing up training for the Firefighters' Walk with the Parish looming - boom - lockdown!

If you are like me then losing the two big events of the walking year was very hard and it has left a strange lost feeling. No real aim and no focus.

I know that I (and several other people) kept training hard but with no real purpose. This led to no usual down time and rest over the summer and this has taken a toll on my body.

Having the End 2 End a few weeks ago helped, even if it is a horrible walk. I am glad that I did it but I am glad that it is over and behind me. That was my first attempt to finish since 2013 and it has not got any easier - I still call it "a stupid walk for stupid people". I mean, who finishes a 39 mile walk with a stomp up the Howe??? Really!!!!

Right, now down to business. Jock has asked me to keep blogging into 2021 and I will, but not too frequently up until after Christmas. I am trying just to get some decent rest and then keep ticking over. So there won't be much to update anyone about really.

The main reason that I am writing this entry now is to cover off an issue that I have been experiencing that is not walking related, although walking and exercise generally has helped deal with things to an extent.

The issue is mental health.

This is one of the hardest things to talk and write about as there is a lot of stigma attached to the subject still and it still feels like it can be regarded as a sign of weakness - but this absolutely shouldn't be the case.

Lockdown was incredibly hard for me. Madeleine was crazy busy with the COVID response and the contact tracing process and this left me covering the vast majority of child care and home schooling for a 5 year old, keeping the house running and trying to do a full time job from home and also trying to stay fit. 

We had to prioritise Madeleine's work as it was so important and I think that the Isle of Man Government team have been superheroes throughout. They have done the best job that they could with no prior knowledge and experience and they have got us to the place that we are now - able to live normally!

I knew that I was getting quite stressed and tired during the lockdown period but I did not appreciate quite what a toll this was having on my state of mind. I was bottling things up and trying to hide quite how hard I was finding things. 

It would show itself on occasions and I would spiral into dark places in my head and shut down for a while with my family.

Previously I have always thought that I had a tendency to be quite miserable and negative at times - this is probably an understatement if you ask my friends. I now realise that this was full blown depression and anxiety not just grumpiness and a “glass half empty’ attitude. 
At times I was completely shutting down and retreating into myself. Small things would get to me more than they should and it would build into very dark moods. I would just be completely silent at home. I would not even look at anyone. I would focus on the floor and try to pretend that I was not there.

I found that the dark periods were getting darker and my lows were getting lower. Even now I am still struggling to deal with some social situations and I get very anxious before going anywhere to mix with other people.

Just to add to the fun, this all manifested itself in a nice binge eating disorder as well. Yay - I get the hat-trick of issues!

During a binge I can quite easily nail anything between 5,000 to 10,000 calories within an hour - very easily!

I would switch off from what was going on and just eat. It was a kind of escape and I would only realise what I had eaten when I really went back through packets and evidence. I could not remember the extent of what I had done because it was like I had gone to a completely different place.

I was hiding all of this. I would find sneaky ways to binge when everyone was at home with me. I would even binge on the way home from doing the weekly socially distanced, face masked and sanitised shop at Tesco. I cannot describe how low this felt. I do not keep secrets!

Looking back and doing some research, I realise that I tick all of the boxes for the symptoms of binge eating disorder

• eating very fast during a binge - TICK
• eating until you feel uncomfortably full - TICK
• easting when you’re not hungry - TICK
• eating alone or secretly - TICK - this is the one that bothers me most - keeping secrets
• feeling depressed, guilty, ashamed or disgusted after binge eating - TICK TICK TICK TICK

Taking in so many calories meant that I had to train extremely hard to counteract the horrendous amounts of excess calories. It has led to me being absolutely broken, sore and tired physically as well as exhausted mentally. I am still 10kg heavier than before lockdown but I can only imagine what that would have been with less training. I have no idea how I have kept going for so long!

At the height of lockdown I was doing a very early morning training walk of around 10 miles, the PE with Joe Wicks session with Elliott, a 3 mile walk at lunchtime to get Elliott out of the house and then a full on bootcamp HIIT session in the evening. I did that for the full 13 weeks of being stuck at home while the schools were closed and then kept a lot of it going when things opened up again. This was all whilst trying to do everything that I listed before. In April alone I recorded over 94 hours of exercise. To say I was overtraining would be an understatement and now I am counting the cost!

I was running on empty and just getting worse and worse. Feeling bad led to a binge which led to more exercise which led to feeling worse which led to a binge......you get the idea.

I now also feel really uncomfortable about seeing people as I worry what they think of how I have gained weight. I do not like how I have gone backwards after losing so much previously. This is another reason that I have retreated from mixing with people since lockdown ended.
It seems that all of the eating issues can be linked and is a result of the depression and anxiety.

I eventually realised that I needed to get help (family and friends helped me to see that) and I contacted my GP surgery. 

The GPs have been brilliant. They admitted that they are not experts in the field and so made a referral to the Community Mental Health Services team. They then still follow up every once in a while to make sure that I am happy with what the mental health team are doing.

I have been through the initial assessment process now, which was very interesting and enlightening. It was aimed at assessing the motivations behind the binge eating and this has reinforced the depression and anxiety issues that need to be addressed.

So now we are going to put a treatment plan together and hopefully I can start to get better and manage the problem going forward. 

I know that it will not be a cure as such but hopefully I will be able to put mechanisms in place to deal with any future relapses and be able to talk to people rather than shut myself away. 

Hopefully dealing with the depression will stop it moving into further binging.

I do still feel embarrassed and a bit ashamed that I have got this point. I have found writing about the problems very difficult and I was worried about what people would think. 

I know that this is stupid as I wouldn't feel that way if I broke my arm and needed treatment (depending on how I did it). I don’t feel that way if I catch a cold or the flu.

This is an illness just like any other that needs to be treated rather than ignored.

I am ashamed to admit that in the past I have thought that people saying that they have depression or anxiety should just snap out of it or suck it up. That is 100% absolutely wrong and not the case. I tried to do that (for years it now turns out) and it does not work. The illness needs sympathy, understanding, help and treatment.

There are loads of people out there that can help with mental health issues. I would suggest starting with your GP. There are also lots of specialist organisations and websites when you start to look into this area. 

On the Isle of Man there is REACH, which is a charity specifically aimed at mental health issues. 

I have my family and some friends behind me and they are being so supportive. I am so lucky to have them all. Madeleine has been amazing, non-judgmental and only wants to see me get better.

I just feel that it is so important to get the message out there that if you are suffering then do not do it in silence - please, ask for help. You do not have to try to deal with things on your own!

Just knowing that there is help out there and starting to deal with problems is making feel more positive already. Every day is still a huge battle at the moment but I feel that I can see some light coming in the future.

I have the Freddie Flintoff BBC documentary to watch from the other night about his bulimia and over exercising. I have a feeling that, although he has a different issue, it will be a hard watch but it may be a familiar story. 

I have also listened to the Joe Wicks podcast when he spoke to Mark Cavendish and discussed his depression. This illness does not care who your are and what you do - it can affect anyone!

I hope that my next blog entry will be a bit lighter and a bit more positive, but I am determined to be more open and talk about these things as I get help. The more that people talk about these problems then the less stigma there will hopefully be.

As the title of this post says and as many people have said recently - It's OK not to be OK!

Take care and be kind to each other.