IT'S OK NOT TO BE OK

Well, where do we start? 

What an absolutely crazy 6 months! Just as we were gearing up training for the Firefighters' Walk with the Parish looming - boom - lockdown!

If you are like me then losing the two big events of the walking year was very hard and it has left a strange lost feeling. No real aim and no focus.

I know that I (and several other people) kept training hard but with no real purpose. This led to no usual down time and rest over the summer and this has taken a toll on my body.

Having the End 2 End a few weeks ago helped, even if it is a horrible walk. I am glad that I did it but I am glad that it is over and behind me. That was my first attempt to finish since 2013 and it has not got any easier - I still call it "a stupid walk for stupid people". I mean, who finishes a 39 mile walk with a stomp up the Howe??? Really!!!!

Right, now down to business. Jock has asked me to keep blogging into 2021 and I will, but not too frequently up until after Christmas. I am trying just to get some decent rest and then keep ticking over. So there won't be much to update anyone about really.

The main reason that I am writing this entry now is to cover off an issue that I have been experiencing that is not walking related, although walking and exercise generally has helped deal with things to an extent.

The issue is mental health.

This is one of the hardest things to talk and write about as there is a lot of stigma attached to the subject still and it still feels like it can be regarded as a sign of weakness - but this absolutely shouldn't be the case.

Lockdown was incredibly hard for me. Madeleine was crazy busy with the COVID response and the contact tracing process and this left me covering the vast majority of child care and home schooling for a 5 year old, keeping the house running and trying to do a full time job from home and also trying to stay fit. 

We had to prioritise Madeleine's work as it was so important and I think that the Isle of Man Government team have been superheroes throughout. They have done the best job that they could with no prior knowledge and experience and they have got us to the place that we are now - able to live normally!

I knew that I was getting quite stressed and tired during the lockdown period but I did not appreciate quite what a toll this was having on my state of mind. I was bottling things up and trying to hide quite how hard I was finding things. 

It would show itself on occasions and I would spiral into dark places in my head and shut down for a while with my family.

Previously I have always thought that I had a tendency to be quite miserable and negative at times - this is probably an understatement if you ask my friends. I now realise that this was full blown depression and anxiety not just grumpiness and a “glass half empty’ attitude. 
At times I was completely shutting down and retreating into myself. Small things would get to me more than they should and it would build into very dark moods. I would just be completely silent at home. I would not even look at anyone. I would focus on the floor and try to pretend that I was not there.

I found that the dark periods were getting darker and my lows were getting lower. Even now I am still struggling to deal with some social situations and I get very anxious before going anywhere to mix with other people.

Just to add to the fun, this all manifested itself in a nice binge eating disorder as well. Yay - I get the hat-trick of issues!

During a binge I can quite easily nail anything between 5,000 to 10,000 calories within an hour - very easily!

I would switch off from what was going on and just eat. It was a kind of escape and I would only realise what I had eaten when I really went back through packets and evidence. I could not remember the extent of what I had done because it was like I had gone to a completely different place.

I was hiding all of this. I would find sneaky ways to binge when everyone was at home with me. I would even binge on the way home from doing the weekly socially distanced, face masked and sanitised shop at Tesco. I cannot describe how low this felt. I do not keep secrets!

Looking back and doing some research, I realise that I tick all of the boxes for the symptoms of binge eating disorder

• eating very fast during a binge - TICK
• eating until you feel uncomfortably full - TICK
• easting when you’re not hungry - TICK
• eating alone or secretly - TICK - this is the one that bothers me most - keeping secrets
• feeling depressed, guilty, ashamed or disgusted after binge eating - TICK TICK TICK TICK

Taking in so many calories meant that I had to train extremely hard to counteract the horrendous amounts of excess calories. It has led to me being absolutely broken, sore and tired physically as well as exhausted mentally. I am still 10kg heavier than before lockdown but I can only imagine what that would have been with less training. I have no idea how I have kept going for so long!

At the height of lockdown I was doing a very early morning training walk of around 10 miles, the PE with Joe Wicks session with Elliott, a 3 mile walk at lunchtime to get Elliott out of the house and then a full on bootcamp HIIT session in the evening. I did that for the full 13 weeks of being stuck at home while the schools were closed and then kept a lot of it going when things opened up again. This was all whilst trying to do everything that I listed before. In April alone I recorded over 94 hours of exercise. To say I was overtraining would be an understatement and now I am counting the cost!

I was running on empty and just getting worse and worse. Feeling bad led to a binge which led to more exercise which led to feeling worse which led to a binge......you get the idea.

I now also feel really uncomfortable about seeing people as I worry what they think of how I have gained weight. I do not like how I have gone backwards after losing so much previously. This is another reason that I have retreated from mixing with people since lockdown ended.
It seems that all of the eating issues can be linked and is a result of the depression and anxiety.

I eventually realised that I needed to get help (family and friends helped me to see that) and I contacted my GP surgery. 

The GPs have been brilliant. They admitted that they are not experts in the field and so made a referral to the Community Mental Health Services team. They then still follow up every once in a while to make sure that I am happy with what the mental health team are doing.

I have been through the initial assessment process now, which was very interesting and enlightening. It was aimed at assessing the motivations behind the binge eating and this has reinforced the depression and anxiety issues that need to be addressed.

So now we are going to put a treatment plan together and hopefully I can start to get better and manage the problem going forward. 

I know that it will not be a cure as such but hopefully I will be able to put mechanisms in place to deal with any future relapses and be able to talk to people rather than shut myself away. 

Hopefully dealing with the depression will stop it moving into further binging.

I do still feel embarrassed and a bit ashamed that I have got this point. I have found writing about the problems very difficult and I was worried about what people would think. 

I know that this is stupid as I wouldn't feel that way if I broke my arm and needed treatment (depending on how I did it). I don’t feel that way if I catch a cold or the flu.

This is an illness just like any other that needs to be treated rather than ignored.

I am ashamed to admit that in the past I have thought that people saying that they have depression or anxiety should just snap out of it or suck it up. That is 100% absolutely wrong and not the case. I tried to do that (for years it now turns out) and it does not work. The illness needs sympathy, understanding, help and treatment.

There are loads of people out there that can help with mental health issues. I would suggest starting with your GP. There are also lots of specialist organisations and websites when you start to look into this area. 

On the Isle of Man there is REACH, which is a charity specifically aimed at mental health issues. 

I have my family and some friends behind me and they are being so supportive. I am so lucky to have them all. Madeleine has been amazing, non-judgmental and only wants to see me get better.

I just feel that it is so important to get the message out there that if you are suffering then do not do it in silence - please, ask for help. You do not have to try to deal with things on your own!

Just knowing that there is help out there and starting to deal with problems is making feel more positive already. Every day is still a huge battle at the moment but I feel that I can see some light coming in the future.

I have the Freddie Flintoff BBC documentary to watch from the other night about his bulimia and over exercising. I have a feeling that, although he has a different issue, it will be a hard watch but it may be a familiar story. 

I have also listened to the Joe Wicks podcast when he spoke to Mark Cavendish and discussed his depression. This illness does not care who your are and what you do - it can affect anyone!

I hope that my next blog entry will be a bit lighter and a bit more positive, but I am determined to be more open and talk about these things as I get help. The more that people talk about these problems then the less stigma there will hopefully be.

As the title of this post says and as many people have said recently - It's OK not to be OK!

Take care and be kind to each other.

REST? WHAT REST?

Well I have been a little quiet of late, mainly due to having to deal with the massive amount of admin linked to our insurance claims from travel disruption during Storm Ciara and then Flybe collapsing. Landing in Newcastle when you expected to be in Manchester was not great - that wind must have been very strong to blow us that far off course!

Anyway, I am back into the training regime now and putting the miles in ready for the Firefighters' Walk (don't forget your entries - https://www.firefightersmemorialwalk.com/).

I went on holiday with the intention of relaxing and recharging - as much as you can do when you are on a ski trip. That didn't happen!

I found that I was getting very jumpy and tetchy with not being able to train and so I ended up going for training walks each morning before breakfast. I would walk down to the local town and back up via some very obscure roads. I did get to see some of the most amazing posh hotels, chalets and lodges though. We have been to Courchevel several times before and I had no idea that these places existed. In fact, the hotel just down the road from where we stay does not use minibuses to move their guests around the resort. Instead they have a fleet of Lamborghini Urus! 

The training wasn't really a hardship when you have lovely views to keep your mind occupied



The one draw back was that I had not taken any kit with me. So my training clothes were thermals, ski trousers, jacket and hiking boots. That lot coupled with the altitude made for very challenging walks.

So no rest was had and I did more than I would at home when I added a day of skiing onto the end of the training.

That said, I think that it is the best thing that I could have done. I have come back feeling fitter than before and I am sure that this is due to the altitude effects. Normally I train around Laxey at between 30ft and 450ft above sea level. On holiday I was training between 5,500ft and nearly 7,000ft!

So now it is just a case of getting back into the routine of training weeks. Following the same patterns with training and food with the hope that I stay fit and injury free - and coronavirus free!!!

I am doing some research into the theory of "proper" tapering in the run up to events now and I am looking at the advice that is out there from ultramarathon runners. That is the only event that I can see that comes close to the Parish. Marathons are a starting point but from what I can tell there is quite a big difference in the taper phases of each.

My focus is training hard and well, up to a point, but then getting the pattern of backing off and fueling right to make sure that my muscles are properly rested and full of good glycogen on that Saturday morning.

I think the best way to describe the current phase is the "boring phase". Each week follows the same pattern and it is just a case of getting on with it.

One thing that I do want to highlight is that everyone has a "bad" training session once in a while. I had a dreadful session last Sunday where I felt tired, empty, sore and every bit of me wanted to stop after just one mile.

I walked the following Tuesday and felt a million times better and was back to full speed and feeling refreshed.

Do not get down hearted as there are many factors that can cause you to have a bad session every now and then. These things happen. Draw a line under it and move on to the next session. It is just a temporary blip and you should never let it get you down.

Also, I come back to the weather again. It has been pretty awful recently but do not let that stop the training. Just get the sessions done, dry the kit and trainers out and keep going! You will really appreciate the effort that you put in during the winter if it ends up being a wet and cold day come 20 June.

I have been reading the other blogs this year from Lorna and Lesley. It goes to show just how different each person is when it comes to walking.

I am the complete opposite of Lorna in many ways, aside from the obvious being a 14 stone bloke!

I have invested in some kit for my walking. I have covered a bit of this before but I thought that I would go through the complete kit in case anyone can pick up some new ideas.

I use Under Armour clothing mostly as I found that cheaper alternatives end up rubbing, do not fit me as well and are simply not as comfortable.

My main outlay is on trainers. Chris at Up and Running put me on to Brooks Glycerin when I first started looking to seriously try and finish the Parish. They were like putting on a pair of soft slippers from the off but they are not cheap!

They work a treat though. They are reasonably hard wearing and have great cushioning. I always have 3 pairs on the go usually, to allow a couple of pairs to be drying out from the rain at any one time.

When the tread gets a bit low and they have taken a battering then they are retired to become gym trainers. This is much to Madeleine's annoyance as we always seem to have an abundance of old trainers knocking about in the house.

My socks are always Hilly Twin Skins. I have tried other brands and types but none work for me as well as the Hillys.

I never vaseline or chamois cream my feet or trainers. Wet and slimy feet are my enemy! I know it works for lots of people but zinc oxide taping is the thing for me.

I have put the work into developing delightful hobbit feet that are full of hard and crusty bits. It has been several years of intensive neglect to get them in this state and no podiatrist is allowed anywhere near them with a pumice stone or industrial sander!

I wear gloves for every walk - rain, shine, hot, cold. I have found that they help the circulation in my hands so that they do not swell too much. They also have the benefit of allowing you to put more chamois cream on with your hands but then the gloves allow you to still eat without worrying about getting any cream on your food.

I take spares of everything in the car. I take far far too much. I usually only end up changing my tops on the Parish at the time when I put my head torch on. However one day I am sure that I will need to call on some spare clothes and so they will keep coming out of the drawer and going back into the drawer each time.

Finally, my biggest single outlay was my GPS watch. I invested in a Garmin Fenix 5 last year and it has been brilliant. I found previous watches would not last the distance for the Parish or the 100 mile. This does, so long as you turn the heart rate monitor off. In fact, it lasted for the whole of the Parish and then most of the following day. This meant that I had accurate times and averages right through the walk, rather than swapping watches and trying to work out where I was up to as in previous years.

I think that the key message to take away is to try everything out and try a variety of clothes, socks and feet treatments well before the day so that you can be comfortable of what will work for you. Do not turn up to the start line with a new theory or brand new base layer that could cause you problems.

I hope that this gives some people a few new ideas to try.

I think that my next entry will be about one of the most important elements of walking long distances - your support team!

Until the next post, here's to lighter mornings and evenings and hopefully some improved weather.

NO MEAN FEET

Before the pedants start, the spelling the title is intentional. The topic of this post is about possibly the most important bit of kit that you will use for the Parish Walk - your own feet. 

It is so important to keep your feet happy and look after them so as to avoid repeating those horrid photos that pop up on the internet of blisters, toenails and missing skin each year.

I will start with a quick training update.

It has been a really hard couple of weeks for me. There have been some work and home commitments that have meant that I have had to turn my training schedule on its head. 

Rather than evening training, I have had to replace some sessions with very early morning walks - leaving the house at around 3.45am and being home by 5.30am. 

The key for me is to try and not impact on family life too much and by going our super early it means that they really wouldn’t know that I have trained that day.

We are now only a week away from our family skiing holiday and I cannot wait. Although skiing is not a break as such it is different and it is a chance to get away, relax and recharge ready for the work up to the Firefighters’ Memorial Walk in April.

Everything is going well and I am making sure that I train in all weathers. This morning was horrific with the wind and rain but I feel good that I made myself get up and get out!

I have said it before but you cannot guarantee the weather in June and you really do not want to be starting in conditions that you are not used to. Today was a great opportunity to see how my feet cope again in really wet weather and that my socks and trainers are up to the job.

The good news is that everything is going to plan.

The other thing that I am doing, which I am not sure whether I have touched on previously, is stretching. I am making sure that I do my 15 minute stretch routine every night without fail. I find that this makes a massive difference to my recovery and allows me to keep going. Of course, I still get stiff and sore sometimes but there is no doubt that it would be so much worse without the stretching.

I would urge everyone to take the stretching seriously.

OK. The feet!

I have covered some of this at a very high level in other posts but I am including a bit more detail here.

I started with lots of ideas about my feet and how to care for them back in 2013/14. I read various theories and lots of people talked to me about different ideas.

Some people swore by filling their socks with vaseline (yuck) whilst others used women’s pop socks under their walking socks.

I read somewhere that some people had found success with hardening the skin on their feet and had done this by going to the beach each day and dipping their feet into the salty sea water.

I did not have time to do that each day but some internet research showed up that others had used surgical spirit with the same effect. So I decided to go down that route. Every night for 6 months I would wipe surgical spirit across my feet, toes and ankles with cotton wool balls. Madeleine loved this routine (or maybe not) with the bedroom smelling like an operating theatre every night.

I have to say that it did work. The skin hardened in the places where I had previously blistered and that has remained the case to this day. My hobbit feet are something that I am quite proud of.

This did not stop the blisters entirely but it did help a lot.

A friend mentioned that they were taping their feet with zinc oxide tapes for the long walking events and they showed me pictures of how they did it.

I decided to follow suit and copy them. To be honest I have never looked back and I have found that it works so well. So much so that I really have not had a blister from the Parish or the 100 Mile in the last few years.

I soak the tape off in a bath after each walk and there is barely a mark on my feet.

Here are some pictures of how I tape my feet. Apologies for the state of the battle hardened trotters!

I start with taping the balls of my feet...

Then the ankle...

And then the tape is anchored on each side of the foot...

This is what has worked for me but it does feel a bit weird the first time that you try it. You will be convinced that the tape is coming off or moving but it doesn't.  Instead it flexes and creases with your movement.

Now the race routine starts the night before with this ritual:

1. Have a nice long hot shower and try to relax and cope with the inevitable nerves
2. Feet get taped just before bedtime the night before
3. Wear a pair of normal socks for bed to protect the tape - not race socks
4. Try to sleep as best you can
5. After breakfast on the day of the walk put on the race socks - Hilly twin skin for me as nothing else has worked too well. If they feel a bit creased or that they have not gone on correctly then take them off and try again. Do not think that it will do and that it will probably be fine - it probably won’t!
6. Race trainers on. Again, if they feel like they haven’t gone on correctly then sort it out. I mess with my laces probably a dozen times after that to loosen and tighten them when they feel a bit odd. It is probably paranoia but I want it to be comfortable when my feet start to swell up.
7. Do not touch the feet, socks  and trainers again until I am finished walking. I do not change shoes or socks. if I do get a blister then I suck it up and keep going. I have found that moving things around causes a whole world of problems. I used to try and use Compeeds as I went but all that happened was that other blisters formed around the edge of the plaster and then the plaster got buried in my foot and I could never get it off.

I am of the opinion that if you can get to Jurby with your feet in relatively good shape and with no real blisters then it becomes a mental challenge to finish. Physically you are in good shape and so you then just have to get your mind straight - even if blisters start after that you can walk the last part dealing with them.

I hope that people can take something out of my ideas. The only thing that I can say is, as with everything, to test it for yourself on a long training walk and then the Firefighters’ Memorial Walk. Do not go into the Parish Walk with brand new ideas and trying things for the first time.

My plan, as always, is to start the Firefighters’ in a pair of relatively new trainers that have done about 20 or so miles in training. If all goes to plan and they work well then they will be taken and put back in the box with the socks that I have used never to see the light of day until the start of the Parish. By that point they will have done around 60 miles and so will still be quite new and have lots of life left in them. Personally, I do not rely on the good old faithful trainers for the long events as I want my feet to be as cushioned and comfortable as possible.

I will probably post my next entry when we are back from holiday and I am recharged (hopefully not fat on cheese and meat and wine with the Alpine diet).

Keep going, keep focused and happy walking.